“Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother” ignited a firestorm last year, which I successfully steered clear of until my book group picked it to discuss this week. I can tell the book group moms are ready to sink their claws into this memoir and tear it apart, knowing good and well it’s about a “tiger” mother who uses harsh parenting practices to raise and gear her two daughters for success.
No TV for them, or sleepovers, or playdates, or computer games, or grades less than an A; these girls must be fluent in Chinese and practice endless hours of piano and violin after school and even on vacations. To their mom, childhood is less about having fun than being “a training period, a time to build character and invest in the future.” The Chinese parenting approach, she says, is very different from the Western way, which values independence, creativity and questioning authority. Western kids are allowed to follow their “passion,” which just turns out, she says, to be 10 hours on Facebook which is a total waste of time and eating digusting junk food.
For the Chinese, she says, authority is always to be respected and kids’ self-esteem isn’t a concern; parents regularly criticize their kids (she refers to her daughter as garbage at one point) and expect more from them (she rejects their inadequately made birthday cards). Chinese parents also decide all their activities and what’s best for their children. Kids, in turn, obey and don’t talk back. They owe their parents everything.
Author Amy Chua sets up “Tiger Mother” as a “clash of worldviews”; there’s the weak, easy Western way of child-rearing, she seems to say, and the stronger, harder to follow Chinese approach, which she does her best to adhere to with her daughters while living in Connecticut, where she’s a law professor at Yale. Her husband, a law professor there too, plays only a small peripheral role in this memoir.
In many ways her book is like stomaching the world of a type -A drill sergeant who pushes her kids as prodigies and family to the brink. It’s insufferable in parts what she believes and how she acts. And yet I was surprisingly glad to have read it (I didn’t hate the book. It’s even well told and isn’t heartless). I don’t believe the West has all the answers on child-raising, nor by this account does the East either. Her book raises valid questions about parenting. Perhaps there’s some kind of middle ground or hybrid approach worth exploring or trying, which Amy Chua herself concedes towards the end, though she doesn’t seem ready to reconcile to that way of thinking.
She says her memoir has been greatly misunderstood; that it’s really “supposed to be funny, partly self-parody” about her own transformation as a mother. Throughout the book, she seems to know she’s an overbearing, controlling fanatic to her kids, but that doesn’t seem to stop her any; only the possibility of losing her daughter seems to affect her path, which is a bit sad. You feel for the kids, no doubt. It would be comical perhaps if it weren’t all so borderline true to what she’s like. I did laugh some because she really is a piece work, this tiger lady.
In one sense, I think that structure is good and something that has been lost over the years. Kids are given too much independence these days and let’s face it, even my own kids are spoiled beyond belief. However, what has been shared from the book, is just way over the top. I am glad they all turned out successful, but at what cost?
yeah I agree … a heavy cost. It sounds like the house was a war zone.
I liked this book far more than I thought I would. I honestly was prepared to hate it. I didn’t approve of all of her methods, but I found myself thinking about the book a lot even when I wasn’t reading it. It made me question if we do sometimes have expectations of our children that are not high enough – that we don’t push them to succeed or achieve as much as they are able. That being said, I definitely could never take it to the level that she did.
I too was surprised & glad to have read the book. You make good points, thanks for stopping by